Do You Understand Yourself? You Can’t Love What You Don’t Know.
Understanding Yourself is the First Step
Last week I wrote about how you can’t truly love others until you first love yourself. This week, I want to go deeper—because how do you even begin to love yourself?
It starts by understanding who you are.
And for me, that journey has included a mix of personality models, reflection, feedback, and life experience—all of which have helped me connect the dots in ways I wish I’d done years earlier. Let me walk you through six concepts or ideas that I have found extremely helpful in better understanding myself.
1. Frameworks That Unlock Self-Awareness
Years ago, I took a DiSC assessment and had one of those “aha” moments. I realized I’m incredibly conscientious. I need to finish what I start—and if I don’t think I’ll do something well, I often won’t start it at all. That one insight helped me see and understand patterns I’d wrestled with for years.
Then I took a Myers-Briggs assessment and discovered I’m an introvert. All my life, I thought I was just a weird extrovert who hated parties. But now I had the language to explain why being around people constantly drains me—and why I actually like being alone sometimes.
These tools aren’t perfect. But they’re directional compasses, not rigid definitions. They’ve helped me better understand myself—and they’ve helped me communicate, work with, and relate to others in ways that feel more aligned. What’s more, assessments like DiSC and Myers-Briggs have been around for decades, are widely recognized, and are backed by extensive usage across industries. There are plenty of free or low-cost versions available, making them an accessible first step if you’ve never explored them before.
👉 Want to try them? Here are two free versions to get you started:
2. Your Roots Shape You
So much of who we are starts with where—and how—we grew up. For me, it’s being raised in the South, having a minister for a dad who instilled faith and disciplined principles, a flight attendant for a mom who gave us the opportunity to see the world, and spending my childhood on baseball fields, just to name a few. Each of these influences shaped how I see the world, how I interact with others, and how I understand myself today.
Those experiences shaped my values, my worldview, and my wiring. They’re part of my story—and part of my bias. I wrote more about that if you're curious:
👉 Understanding Bias, Building Empathy
3. Writing as a Window
Writing has been one of my most powerful tools for self-understanding. This blog—Five4Friday—isn’t just a way to connect with you. It’s also how I connect with me.
Putting words to ideas, naming patterns, and explaining my stance forces me to think deeply and clearly. That process alone helps me better understand who I am and how I operate. Do you write? Do you have a process for putting ideas out there that can be challenged or tested? When you’re forced to evaluate, explain, and defend a point of view, you either sharpen it or refine it—or sometimes even let it go. If we don’t go through that process, we risk becoming a pass-through for other people’s ideas and opinions without ever fully understanding them or how they influence our identity.
4. Ask for Feedback (Then Listen)
Want to learn something about yourself fast? Ask for feedback.
Ask someone close to you: “How can I do this better?” or “What’s something I don’t see about myself?” Then just listen.
You don’t have to agree. You don’t even have to act on the feedback. But giving others the space to reflect you back to yourself can reveal blind spots you never knew existed. That outside perspective, especially when it comes from someone you trust, can open doors to self-awareness that would be nearly impossible to walk through alone.
5. Conflict is a Clarification Channel
How you handle conflict says a lot about who you are. Do you avoid it? Embrace it? Fear it? Use it as a growth tool?
Conflict can be uncomfortable, but it’s also an opportunity for growth. Your instinct in moments of tension is a window into your beliefs, your fears, and your strengths. Learning to examine those reactions can be a major unlock in better understanding yourself. Instead of shying away from disagreements, approach them with a mindset of learning. Respect yourself enough to engage in productive conversations, even when they’re tough, without resorting to negativity or disrespect. This also ties well with asking for feedback so if it’s someone you trust you can possibly get a two for one special.
6. The Self-Deprecation Test
Finally, I’ve always been a fan of self-deprecating humor—and here’s why:
When you can make fun of yourself, you’re not hurting anyone else. It’s a safe space. But more than that, it’s a test.
To genuinely laugh at yourself, you need a solid base of self-love, self-acceptance, and personal confidence. You need to be grounded enough to say, “Yeah, I’ve got flaws—and I’m OK with that.”
So if you’re wondering where you stand on your self-awareness and understanding yourself journey, ask yourself:
Can I laugh at myself?
That’s a Wrap
The more you understand who you are, the easier it is to show up in the world with clarity, confidence, and love—not just for yourself, but for others.
That’s it for this week’s Five4Friday. If you’re on this journey too—or about to start—I’d love to hear what tools or lessons have helped you better understand yourself.
And if this post helped you or could help someone else, feel free to share it. That kind of support means more than you know.
Have a great weekend—and go spend a little time getting to know the real you.